Am I a writer?
I’ve always thought I was a writer. Maybe because my oldest sister let me watch Sex and the City before I knew what blow jobs were. Maybe because of the precocious nature I was born with. Maybe because writing essays at school was the easiest thing in the world even when I didn’t actually *know* what I was talking about. It’s funny because I’m not actually much of a reader, which is a shameful thing to admit. The books I love, I really love and when I am in a book, I am enjoying my experience of life so much more. But months and months can go by where I am not able to read a single word. And I have abandoned more books that I’ve finished. I sometimes actually cannot for the life of me understand what’s going on no matter how many times I read the same page. With me, books either get me or they don’t and more often than not they don’t. (sad).
At university I didn’t comprehend a single page of our academic reading. I think that’s ultimately the reason I invested more time in the deli I was working in than in my degree. Making spicy tuna mayo for tuna melts, warming chicken breasts for the most popular chicken, pesto, bacon sandwich and failing to be good at making milk foamy was where I belonged. Not in the library struggling to understand the words on the page. Weirdly I managed to get a FIRST in my dissertation. (2:1 overall, don’t freak out) and that was purely because I am good at writing. So I’ve always had it, I’ve always known.
I got a dyslexia diagnosis at university. They even gave me a Macbook Pro! I remember the woman who screened me explaining that I was extremely dyslexic. Prior to this I had always felt like I was blagging it, school and college was all wizardry and snake charming my way to quite good grades. BECAUSE, I could write! And when you can write you can sound like you know things that you don’t. I don’t write in a classical way and I’m aware I sometimes misuse words, use the ENGLISH LANGUAGE INCORRECTLY and am creative with sentences. Recently when working with an editor I saw how I could contain myself better. She smoothed out the edges. And most of the time, I felt like my work was better before the edits. HEHEHE. But really, the life on the page is what makes me a good writer, so why lose it?
Curiously the four things that really made me doubt myself and slowed down my ability to say, ‘i’m a writer’ were:
An ex boyfriend who was very well read (think Infinite Jest*, think Ulysses) and was a ‘writer’ even though he never wrote anything.
*men reading Infinite Jest ultimately became a RED FLAG for me when dating and I think it should for you too.
Male colleagues in my magazine job who were editorial print writers (reader, I wrote for the website and honey that meant you didn’t know your craft). These print writers, they collectively made me feel like a silly little girl who should leave the heavy lifting (writing of sentences) to them.
Any contact I’ve had with anything to do with ‘the industry’.
FORMAL EDUCATION - the most effective way to cripple my self belief.
I bring that up because I bet something has happened to you that’s made you feel silly, stopped you trying or indirectly quashed your potential. And I double bet that you’ve internalised some things about writing and why it’s not for you. I’m sure I’ll hard tackle this overtime in a more thorough way in due course, but to kick us off with a sweeping statement, I’d say intellectual snobbery and gatekeeping are to blame. This infiltrates the publishing industry and most people you are likely to meet at a book party or literary event. It sends shivers down my spine to imagine being in a bookshop at night, holding a glass of red wine with people who went to good universities, women wearing tights and shoes and red lipstick and who know the etymology of words. (I just googled how to spell that and weirdly got it right).
So, a list for you! How to know if you are a writer?
You have a sneaking suspicion that you might be.
This sounds silly and obvious and insubstantional, but it is in fact, everything. It can be easy to confuse self belief and confidence with arrogance and delusion, and at times some may argue I straddle the line. But the more time I waste not knowing if I am good enough, the more time I waste. I’d also argue, it isn’t about being good. It’s about being able to be honest and having something to say.
At some point in the past when you were purer and times were simpler you liked writing. Did you keep a teen diary that would rival Adrian Mole? Did you win a prize for a story in year 3? Did you enjoy writing essays? It is quite likely that something along the way stopped you feeling free to write, ‘just because’ - that something is bullshit.
When given the chance to write a long text or email or birthday card message, you excel. We all crave the space to be able to express ourselves and if you find yourself delighting in small opportunities to do so, maybe you need to create some bigger opportunities.
You have an idea. That lofty idea for a best selling novel or write a screenplay, yeah that one. It is sitting in the metaphorical drawer of your mind/life. It is easy to sit on it and think I could write that book one day, it is HARD to try, but guess what it’s harder than all of that to never do anything about it. Trust me.
You are haunted by stuff you’ve never said, things that happened in the past, feelings that overwhelm you. This is your cue, get it down on the page, it doesn’t have to go anywhere, be for anything, this is between you and you (for now).
You are scared of what people might think, but you are more scared of what it might feel like if you don’t try. We keep ourselves in boxes because it feels safe and yeah maybe your English teacher did scar you for life, but if you have something to say, you need to say it.
You feel frustrated or like you are not fulfilling your potential. It’s really easy for our creativity to be at the very bottom of our priorities, because, you know, life. But it’s literally our god-given right and a huge indicator of our aliveness, it doesn’t have to be the next Infinite Jest (joke, throwback to my earlier para!), but finding ways to explore and express your creativity will literally improve your health.
You are ready to try. This is you baby, this is for you, by you, about you, your life. GO.